The Matrix Building Spaceholder team has given me a place to observe and practice PM skills in real time, it is a scary space be more visible and show up as Me. I have been exploring what it means to be part of a team and so far it has been a painful process; I notice how often I hold myself back and this is a disservice to the people I am with because I am consuming the space rather than creating value. Deep rooted stories get in the way, allowing my Gremlin to take over and make me blank. When I let this happen, I cannot find a way into conversation or space, it is like I am caught in a landslide and I am being swept along with it. It is difficult for me to find my way back in. Knowing this has given me the choice to do something about it because I want to create more conscious, responsible spaces and so I have my next step of doing deeper Gremlin work.

As the main spaceholder of the MBSH I am in amazement about the commitment which is so visible in the Team. I am commited to go with the Team through a grinder of ongoingly Experiments, inventing Practices for each other, rotating Spaceholders, never holding back any Feedback and Proposals. We are also holding space for each other to go through Emotional Healing Processes - to get out of our own way. This Team is to grow Matrix in any fascet of Spaceholding and Circle Building and it is a doorway into the Possibilitator Training. I feel glad about everyone, who is not only joining that Team, but also leaving the team to move on to join the Possibilitator Training. Matrix Building works!

After our meeting in the Matrix Building Spaceholder team, I made an agreement to look bad and my MBSH team mate Mariola helped me to look bad in public. We both took big pieces of cakes that we started to eat really with gluttony and awkwardness, putting big pieces of cake in my face, playing with coffee on the table like kids. In this wierd and uncontrolled environment, my coach Mariola helped me to distill the shadow principle of my Gremlin to be that 'perfect' and why I should look so 'nice' all the time.

I discovered that I 'being perfect' have two sides: staying in a fantazy world of being a Guru, a leader that manipulate and get what he want silently, and on the other side refusing myself to be this archetypal crazy artist that I naturally, spontaneously am.

This is one of the major discoveries of my life and I'm glad about the distinction 'Gremlin' and 'Shadow purpose'.

First when I entered the Matrix Building Spaceholder space I was not participating as a Spaceholder. As I was not creating the space I missed High Level Fun. In this moment, I could see that I saw my need and was unable to change something. I remember when the whole group was empowering me to make my first proposal. My box was in adventure mode. I sensed that my usual strategy was to leave the space without asking for what matters to me.

After an ETB and a Lab in Brazil where I kept discovering how to co-create the space, say what I need and make proposals, I had the courage to speak up. This team was and is the net for me to try something new and take a risk. The whole group shifted into an evolutionary team after moments of fears a lot of fears and resistances. This is the most adventures group for me because I sense being in a circle and in team.